Trigger warning
I wake up and I feel happy because for once and for all I don’t have this heavy feeling on my heart. I didn’t get straight out of bed, I waited just a little longer, because I know this feeling will go away soon enough and I just can’t let go, at least not now. I ended up being late for school, my mom yelled at me for being so irresponsible and also for skipping breakfast. I apologized and pretended that it’s alright, because otherwise I’d just have to stand there and stare at her for a good minute, it’s blank up there in my head. I go to school and the feeling of having to pretend is getting overwhelming, almost impossible.
I meet my friends and I crack the joke of the day, they all laugh and I feel glad, I passed my hypocrisy test. Through the day I started losing my energy and it hit. It hit me so hard I couldn’t breathe, but I can’t cry in front of all these people, I waited just a little longer. I ran when the day ended because I couldn’t face my friends, not like this.
I got home and my stomach growled, my head is spinning and I feel like hell just invited me for dinner. I know I haven’t eaten in a while, maybe days, but I just can’t eat. Every time I eat I feel like crying, I feel pathetic and everything hits me all at once. I decide to eat though, and I smile while eating, maybe it’ll give me my redemption. I shower and I feel proud, even though I had a different plan in mind for today.
I text my friends telling them about my favorite show and I call my sister to check up on her, she said she’s out with her friends, I’m happy for her. Mom is at work and so is dad. I am alone again. My head starts to fill up with these intrusive thoughts and they almost started to make sense. But I waited a little longer hoping they’d stop. But why would they? It was the plan all along, act okay and let go. I think I’m ready just not sure.
My notes are ready, made sure to apologize a thousand times, because as usual it’ll always be my fault. I made it and I know I’ll finally get to rest. I closed my eyes, I am waiting for peace that is almost here, I am waiting for something better or worse, I am waiting for just a little longer.